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Some bodies are admirers of the Buffalo Bills. But many, abounding added bodies are NOT admirers of the Buffalo Bills. This 2017 Deadspin NFL aggregation examination is for those in the closing group. Read all the previews so far here.

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Your team: Buffalo Bills.

Your 2016 record: 7-9. I’ll say what I consistently say about Rex Ryan: he may be a absolutely abominable arch coach. But at atomic aback you’re characterless with Rex, it’s still an event. Who can balloon the dildo on the field?

That’s a Hall of Fame dildo adapted there. I like how they wrote “Tom Brady’s dildo” on it so that I apperceive it’s Tom Brady’s. That makes him queer! And who can balloon the time Dan Carpenter’s wife threatened to alter Richard Sherman? Or the time the starting linebackers absent the aggregation bus? Or the time that one fan got arrested for bubbler shots out of a teenager’s asscrack in the parking lot? Or the time the Jets denticulate 10 credibility in aught abnormal adjoin them? Or the time the refs absolutely dicked them over adjoin Seattle because LOL WHO CARES IT’S A REX RYAN TEAM.

Or the time the aggregation approved to ban backyard angry moves in the tailgate lot, abandoned to accept avant-garde admirers action anniversary added with accomplished pepperoni instead? Or the time Richie Incognito—huffing tub of meat Richie Incognito—was able a camp angel rehabilitation from ESPN? Or the time they benched Tyrod Taylor to abstain accepting to pay him a advantageous abrasion exemption, afresh redacted him from the analysis highlight reel? Or the time Marcell Dareus got hacked?

I see no lies. Nicest hacker ever. Anyway, you won’t accept Rex to bang about anymore. They unceremoniously dumped the Ryan Boys a anniversary afore the analysis ended, which resulted in a avalanche of amusing contest including the two of them accepting into a bar fight, Rex accepting to catechumen his Bills barter into a Clemson truck, and—best of all—GM Doug Whaley giving a absolutely camp columnist appointment in which he declared benightedness to Rex’s battlefront and never asked his buyer for an account as to why. I’m able-bodied acquainted that any acumen to blaze Rex Ryan is self-evident, but alike your archetypal NFL admission stooge was afraid at the animated absent-mindedness of Whaley. The GM was assuredly canned AFTER chargeless bureau and the abstract (juh?), and acclaimed by accomplishing what anybody does on that arid frost moon: DRINK.

That’s the best Buffalo photo of all. Aloof a agglomeration of sad bubbler and boilerplate aliment and accursed GMs. Do all the able shots and ladder dives you like, Bills fans. You and I both apperceive that the affair will consistently die and that you will end up sitting at that bar, quiet and destitute, ashore in the average of a reboot of The Thing.

Your coach: Sean McDermott! Yes, THE Sean McDermott! The one who got accursed afterwards abandoned a year replacing Jim Johnson in Philly! As clairvoyant Creek Bear credibility out, you will bolt McDermott comatose afore you bolt him afterwards a camo baseball hat to account our TREWPS…

Something tells me that this man has aloof the adapted aggregate of aloofness and humorlessness to accomplish you bethink the Ryan years added affectionately than you care to. He took abroad the goddamn basin table, man. Is there a lamer, added annoyed “I’m the new sheriff” move than that? Alike Chip Kelly thinks that’s petty. What idiot amateur would buy this kinda cellophane horseshit? Oh, right:

Ah yes, the coveted Incognito endorsement. “Now this is MY kinda asshole!” McDermott is abutting by best GM Brandon Beane. The two formed calm in Carolina. One attending at the Panthers wideout band and I already apperceive you poor bastards are in trouble.

Your quarterback: Tyrod Taylor, who struggles to breach 200 yards casual a bold and yet is somehow the best QB this aggregation has had in 987 years. If this guy’s aftermost name had been FLUTIE, you assholes would accept awash out his jersey a year and a bisected ago. Why, I artlessly can’t brainstorm why this fanbase wouldn’t absolutely embrace Tyrod and accord him the abutment he could use to advance as a passer…

Mmm hmm. Anyway, Tyrod allotment to the Bills alike afterwards the aggregation advised him like complete bits in the crumbling weeks of 2016. He’ll be abutting by Sammy Watkins’s Unfulfilled Potential, chargeless abettor Corey Brown, and draftee Zay Jones in the casual attack. That’s fun name to say. ZAY JONES! Sounds like a 1930s cabaret singer. He’ll fucking abhorrence Buffalo.

What’s new that sucks: Well, Stephon Gilmore is gone to New England. Would anyone be afraid if he wins eight Super Bowl rings with them this year alone? No, they would not. The blow of the AFC East is New England’s trout farm.

In the amaranthine derby to be abroad additional in the division, the Bills accept alien Micah Hyde (hurt), Mike Tolbert (fat), and Anquan Boldin (old, sets off metal detectors). Will this accomplish McDermott’s algid of authoritative the Bills absolutely bearding and irrelevant? Let’s ask the owner!


 What has consistently sucked: Your buyer is fucking terrible. You apperceive that now, right? Now that we’re continued accomplished Terry Pegula rescuing you from Ralph Wilson’s tomb (Chris Berman will be active with him!), I anticipate we can all assuredly accept that the new buyer is aloof as clueless and shitty as the aftermost owner. Go ahead. It’s okay. “Pegula” sounds like the world’s affliction amative abhorrence film.

Every year we get added abroad from the 1990s, I am added aporetic that those Marv Levy Bills teams anytime happened. It artlessly does not compute in my system. That team? In Buffalo? Nah. All a myth. History is tricking you. That aggregation played in an alternating dimension…in Akron. Those weren’t the Buffalo Bills. The Bills I apperceive are a burial dirge. They are a abyssal campaign affair that comatose on an ice berg and accept been afflicted to subsist for decades on allowance claret and broiled snow.

Now that Rex has been pushed out, they can go aback to their accepted action of hiring faceless coordinator afterwards faceless coordinator and churning out characterless seven-win seasons while actuality terminally clumsy to acquisition a superstar quarterback. Those four AFC titles and Super Bowl appearances? They’re gone. Vanished. They’ve been active beneath the permafrost. It’ll booty addition interglacial aeon to bare them. As continued as I live, these poor bastards and their affiliated admirers will serve as beginning abrade for New England. Meanwhile, Tom Brady will shoot himself up with beet abstract and comedy until he’s 106. You bodies are ruined.

Also, our Dave McKenna says the Buffalo Metro Rail goes up and bottomward aloof one street. That’s dumb.

Did you know? You already apperceive the Bills haven’t been to the playoffs aback 1999. But on top of that, that haven’t won a playoff bold aback 1995. An complete bearing has been built-in and accelerating from academy aback that victory. Indeed, the Bills abide mainly for air-conditioned onscreen animation about what the apple is like the aftermost time they were good. PEOPLE DRANK MILK OUT OF CANS BACK THEN!

What ability not suck: LeSean McCoy is acceptable for a half-dozen huge amateur a year, namely the weeks I don’t abstract him for my DFS team. Fucker.



The Bills amphitheater wagons like the Donner Party.


Our admirers jump through tables in the aforementioned parking lot area they were conceived.


Being a Bills fan is like accepting a brother absorbed to heroin.


Fuck Buffalo through a afire folding table.


I accept been kicked out of added Buffalo Bills amateur (2) in six years of actuality a analysis admission holder than cardinal of times the Bills accept been to the playoffs, PLUS cardinal of times they accept had a acceptable record, aback 2005 (1).


I was in the aforementioned area as that guy who fell from the aerial levels a few years ago. No one noticed him go bottomward because there were two accompanying fights activity on.


Our accepting band has a added consistently alternating casting of forgettable white guys than Dr. Who.


The aftermost time I went to a Bills game, a babe started herself on fire.

My accompany and I were adequate a tailgate with a nice-sized fire, aback a agglomeration of complete bashed teenagers blunder through. One of the girls stops to booty a selfie with one of the guys (damn kids), and walks anon into our blaze pit. Several of us shout, “Hey! Attending out, you’re in the fire!” No response. Added shouting. Again, no response. I airing up to the babe and bawl anon in her face, “YOU ARE STANDING IN THE FIRE RIGHT NOW.” She smiles and slurs, “That’s OK, he’s my cousin.”

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I still can’t amount out what she anticipation I said.


My dad is a massive asshole and consistently attractive for article to accuse about. He’s from Buffalo, so acclaim for the Bills is acutely a way of activity there. He’s additionally apparent it all; Wide Right, the Music Burghal Miracle, 15 years of actuality Brady’s allegation in the AFC East. He basically bought NFL Sunday Admission aloof so he can deathwatch up and watch his aggregation get its ass kicked.

He’s never annoyed with annihilation they do. Buffalo could be up 42-0, and the added aggregation could account a acreage ambition and he’d allegedly say “Same Old Bills”. At 45 years old with greying and abbreviating hair, he’s the complete beverage of the balked Western New York sports fan.

That annoyance additionally advance to his parenting. For years he verbally berated me and ranted that I would never become anything, that girls would never like me, that I was a disappointment etc. He and my Mom fought consistently over how to accession me.

My dad and I never absolutely had abundant in common. He was into sports, off-roading and battlefront guns. I was into movies, video amateur and music. To put it this way, I’m from Oakland and he’s from Buffalo. But in an attack to accept article to allocution about with him, I followed the Bills in the off-season. I consistently heard my Dad accuse about the Bills, so I capital to acquaint him account that would accomplish him happy. It was nice to assuredly accept article in accepted with my dad afterwards about 20 years of animate him.

I don’t allocution to either of my parents anymore (me and my Mom is a accomplished adventure in itself), I’m avidly afterward the Bills off-season and adequate time with my girlfriend. She wasn’t with me aback any of this happened, so she encourages me to ability out to him. Afterwards some hesitation, I do. It was a bad bearings all around, and maybe he’s afflicted for the better, right?

I try to call, but my cardinal is blocked. I bulletin him on Facebook, but he doesn’t respond. I accommodated up with my grandparents and ask them to acumen with him, they say it’s impossible. So he about has removed me from his life.

So aback my adherent asks me why I watch football, I’m actuality accurate aback I say it’s because I appetite the Bills to be good. But the acumen why I appetite them to be acknowledged is because I apperceive it will accomplish my dad happy. Alike admitting he was an asshole of a father, and admitting the anticipation that he hates me, I still appetite him to assuredly feel some pride and joy in watching his aggregation play.

With all that actuality said, fuck Rex Ryan with his brother’s aggrandized buffalo-sauce-coated sausage. You ashen two years of my fan-hood.


I was a apprentice in aerial academy aback they aftermost fabricated the playoffs. I’m about 32 now. Fuck Rex Ryan with Scott Norwood’s adapted foot.


At atomic a dozen bodies accomplished out to congratulate me aftermost anniversary on OJ accepting parole. Allegedly they anticipation Bills admirers had a acclaim absorption in the Nevada Board of Acquittal Commissioners (we don’t).


18 of the 31 added NFL teams accept played in at atomic one Super Bowl aback the aftermost time the Bills fabricated the playoffs. Fuck Ralph Wilson’s body with Thurman Thomas’ missing helmet.


I abhorrence this franchise.


If this is aloof me agreeable into the abandoned about a shitty fucking team, that’s allegedly alike added adapted than annihilation else.


Well, they haven’t fabricated the playoffs in 17 years, but dammit if the Bills weren’t alleged 2016 Responsibility Bowl Champs, which is allegedly a complete affair for teams that annals appointed drivers at home games.

I abhorrence this goddamn team.


In 2005, all the Bills bare to do to accomplish the playoffs was win a home bold adjoin Pittsburgh aggregation that was comatose its starters. Sensing approaching victory, I collection bristles hours from Ohio area I was active at the time beyond the arctic Midwest/Northeast winter hellscape to appear the game. I had aloof fabricated the aforementioned exact cruise a anniversary beforehand for the holidays, but this was to be the Bills acknowledgment to greatness. What’s addition 10-hour annular cruise drive?

In what should accept been the aboriginal apocalyptic assurance about 9AM at the tailgate, my accessory was befuddled from a affective car assimilate the icy parking lot afterwards he attempted to “surf” on the hood. For about bristles abnormal he was annealed on the ground. I was assertive he was comatose and started to run through in my arch how I was activity to breach the account to my Aunt. However, due a accidental mix of absorptive snow accessory and Labatt Blue, he popped up like a animation appearance and anon resumed drinking. Later, he proceeded to carry four beers on the roof of an RV and afresh anon projectile barf appear the ample army that aggregate about him.

The Bills of advance absent the bold and it’s as abutting as they been to the playoffs aback 1999.


The best agitative analysis of my developed activity heavily featured Kyle Orton.


OJ is about to be a chargeless man, yet I am still confined a activity book as a fan of this team.


When I was 25, I alternate aback to western NY afterwards accepting lived in Asia for the antecedent two years. My brother-in-law got us tickets to Bills vs Chiefs as a welcome-home present — absolutely abundant seats to a allusive game. The night before, as accepted practice, we chock-full on wings and drowned ourselves Genny Cream. Woke up the abutting morning acumen how acute my abdomen had become to ‘Merican grease and bloaty-ass beer afterwards accepting a complete ablaze Korean diet for years previous. Instead of tailgating, I stood in band and afterwards for the abhorrent port-a-potty, afresh abandoned saw bisected of the bold because of how abounding times I bare to heavily bits in the ceramics hellscape that is the Ralph bath experience. The bisected I did see, though, resulted in Alex Smith ripping our 4th-ranked aegis to atom and accident all achievement for the end of a playoff aridity that has aftermost aback I was nine years old. Oh, and I saw my drunk-ass ex-girlfriend a few rows bottomward accomplish out with a fat dude cutting Zumbas. That was abandoned my third-worst Bills game.


I activate every December seeing the 6-6 Bills at the basal of the “IN THE HUNT” animation and accept afresh watched anniversary 15 Ravens-Bengals amateur to basis for the tie that’ll accumulate Buffalo’s 1% adventitious of authoritative a agrarian agenda atom alive.


In the absoluteness of the 21st century, the Bills’ almanac adjoin the Patriots is 4-30. While those 30 losses can be seen, and are seen, as a appalling cairn to the amateurishness of a authorization for an impossibly continued time, the accurate irrelevance of the Bills to the NFL can be apparent rather in the four victories, and how they afflicted their complete karmic opposite, the Patriots, those seasons:

2003- Bills win a huge achievement in anniversary 1, 31-0. THIS IS OUR YEAR!

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End Result: Patriots get 1 seed, go 14-2, win Super Bowl

2011- Bills win ballsy improvement in anniversary 3, 34-31. I was at this game. The amphitheater partied like we had won the Super Bowl, and a barrier bashed guy assuming to be a anchorman was interviewing bodies with a dildo as a microphone.

End Result: Patriots get 1 seed, 13-3, Super Bowl appearance

2014- Bills win in anniversary 17, Brady doesn’t alike comedy but WHO CARES WE BEAT THE PATRIOTS

End Result: Patriots get 1 seed, 12-4, win Super Bowl

2016- Bills win shut out in anniversary 4 16-0, Brady was abeyant and LA LA LA CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE BILLS BEATING THE PATRIOTS

End Result- Patriots get 1 seed, 14-2, win Super Bowl.

Four greatest wins, the complete century, for the Buffalo Bills. No appulse whatsoever on the playoff seeds, the Patriots, or the NFL in general. The Bills are but ghosts, and abandoned those who they accept larboard comatose central can watch them.


OJ Simpson has added wins over the courts than the Bills accept Super Bowls.


The adventure of the Bills’ offseason basically amounted to “Free abettor X still answer the team’s offer.” You can assumption how anniversary of those ended. We couldn’t get the fucking aurora to accomplish to Buffalo at this point.


Cardale Jones is activity to the abutting twelve Pro Bowls because the Bills traded him. If they hadn’t, he’d somehow get career-ending toe blight from a bad pedicure.

The Bills are poison.


I sat through the absoluteness of Derek Anderson’s 2 for 17 bold aback the Browns came to town. The Bills absent that bold 6-3.

I was alive in the amphitheater already during the 2008 analysis and the Bills were hosting the Chargers. The lights went out and I heard a associate of abundance bawl out “Close the aboideau and run for your lives!!!” Actuality the added amenable one I said you can’t say that. About 5 account afterwards the amphitheater absent ability afresh and I apprehend “RAPE-AND-PIL-LAGE!” *clap, clap, clap-clap-clap* and afresh repeated.

In 2007, my uncles anticipation it would be a accurate abstraction to accommodated up with our cousins from Rhode Island and watch the Bills booty on the Pats in Buffalo. This was the analysis area TE Kevin Everett had that astringent abutting abrasion in anniversary 1 and thankfully fabricated a accretion (though his arena canicule were over), and this was the analysis of Brady-Moss-Welker. Afore kickoff, Everett came on the Jumbotron to acknowledge the admirers for their abutment and gave us all an amend on his acceptable progress. He concluded it with article forth the curve of “Let’s go out and exhausted the Patriots!” I’d never heard the amphitheater so loud afterwards that. The Bills absent 56-10.


So I am aloof shy of my 14th altogether aback I watch the Bills lose Super Bowl 25. I went into the basement and alternated amid arrant and hitting my dad’s abundant bag. By Super Bowl 28, I am bubbler beers at a friend’s abode and I see The John Larroquette Show do a throwaway gag with John captivated at gun point allurement for his life, closing with “I appetite to see the Bills win the Super Bowl,” to which the apache quips, “Hey, Buddy, nobody’s activity to animate that long.” Cue laughter. Didn’t accord it a additional thought.


Three of our aboriginal bristles opponents accept fabricated contempo Super Bowl appearances. We’ll exhausted them assuredly and go 5-11.


My ancient bright football anamnesis is watching the Music Burghal Miracle as a nine-year-old at my “friend’s” house. I put acquaintance in quotes because already it became bright what was happening, he aloof started cackling and didn’t stop for several minutes. IT WAS A FORWARD PASS, GODDAMNIT.

The aboriginal Bills bold I anytime went to, they were arena the Aaron Brooks-led Saints. My parents and I were active a little backward accepting into the amphitheater so the aboriginal drive of the bold had already started. The aboriginal affair I heard the anchorperson say as we absolved into the amphitheater was “Rob Johnson sacked for a accident on the play”.

Needless to say, attractive back, these moments assume like harbingers of a lifetime of mediocrity and underachievement. Our drunk-ass admirers are 10 times added fun and accommodate consistently added joy to added bodies than our complete football aggregation does. And yet, we soldier on, year afterwards year, animate that aback Tom Brady retires to animate out his canicule in a adorned dog auberge about and aback Bill Belichick vanishes in an acid billow of sulfur to acknowledgment to his applicable abode at Satan’s side, we ability accept a attack at activity 10-6.


This is me afterwards the Bills absent to the Ravens in Anniversary 1 aftermost season.


The Bills acute sucking that has resulted in my ancestors witnessing me rip a Tom Brady bedazzled bed area out of some children’s easily (they spent a continued time authoritative this) and throwing it dozens of rows abroad on a airy day (Bills lost), scream at and possibly attack to action a loud Patriots fan, bandy a cup of beer at a Patriots fan, benumbed a Patriots fan, bawl at a Dolphins fan to get the fuck out of Buffalo, acquaint the complete army at the Rogers Center (Bills vs. Falcons in Toronto) that they are “fucking Canadian trash”, discharge banned whiskey all over my crotch, canyon out assorted times on active allowance attic afterwards abiding from the game, accelerate barnyard and atrocious argument letters to the complete ancestors as fourth division ends, and defecate in the bend of a parking lot, in a bush, out of a car, in a beer can, and their backyard.

Otherwise I’m appealing abundant a good-time guy. Go Bills!


I’m a Bills fan who’s been active in Cleveland for the accomplished ten years. My accompany accuse about the Browns all the time, yet their aggregation has somehow fabricated the playoffs added afresh than the Bills.


You would anticipate a anniversary 2 accident to the Jets at the easily of Ryan Fitzpatrick and his 374 casual yards would be the best black allotment of my day – but no, that was expected.

That honour was bestowed aloft Kenny from Tonawanda, who absolved into a lower avenue bathroom in the 3rd division with a tray of aliment complete three burgers, a sausage and chips (100% for himself) and proceeded to abode it not on top of the urinal – which would accept been adequately abominable but at atomic admirable – but beneath (?!?!) the urinals, which 20 ample Western New Yorkers were pissing into. I watched in abhorrence as the aggregate sprays from a accumulation of fat, bathed drunks in Zubaz pants blood-soaked Kenny’s sausage bun moments afore he collection that bits into his mouth.

People in Buffalo can’t alike eat and piss properly. All achievement is absent for this urine blood-soaked sausage of a franchise.

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I fabricated this accumulation on the Bills’ 17-year playoff aridity application a song about acceptable an old alcoholic:


The aboriginal bold I anytime abounding was in 2011, anniversary 11 adjoin the New York Jets. Security was a bit added lax afresh it is now. Aback I absolved in with my brother to go to the aerial accouter I physically absolved over a guy lying face bottomward in a dabble of his own blood. Normal me would acutely accept alleged for some blazon of advice or approved to arbitrate myself. The additional I stepped in those gates the accordance changed. I don’t apperceive what happened to the guy, but I saw 20 added bodies do the same. Fuck it, accumulate walking. Didn’t get abundant better. I went to the ablution allowance at the bisected and a complete able attractive ancestor came in with his kid who was cutting a Mark Sanchez jersey. Not bristles anxiety abroad from the father, some bashed 50-year-old dude yelled ‘Sanchez is a fucking fag man, you charge be too.’ Already again, no one said annihilation or intervened. As a fanbase we deserve our 40 years in the desert. It’s gotten bigger aback my aboriginal bold but I can point out at atomic one adventure every time I’ve gone since.


Last year I had to accept a aphorism area I didn’t accept a alcohol unless we were up by ten. I was accepting way too depressed otherwise. Also, I didn’t appetite Colin Kaepernick, not because of his activism, but because our admirers are so abominable I accurately would accept afraid for his safety.


This aggregation has taken the best years of my father’s activity and now I’m activity to let it do the aforementioned to me. Fuck this comatose team.


They advertise you hope, but you’re affairs misery. From my heart, to hell with all of them until they win.


I accept not apparent this aggregation accomplish the playoffs and the abandoned adventitious I bethink this aggregation accepting abutting was a win and in book adjoin Pittsburgh backups in 2004. Of advance we fucking absent that bold and because of that game, I deathwatch up in algid sweats cerebration of Brian St. Pierre. Fuck the Bills, Fuck the Sabres, Fuck OJ Simpson, and Fuck the bashed idiots who get powerbombed into tables so they can be on Deadspin.


McDermott explained how he auspiciously recruited Brandon Beane from the Carolina advanced office: He beatific him a argument bulletin adhering a account of the book McDermott was reading, alleged “Chase the Lion: If Your Dream Doesn’t Scare You, It’s Too Small.” This is some dipshit self-help book by Mark Batterson, the veiled-prosperity-gospel preacher who founded National Community Church. Per the publisher, Batterson’s book is based on “the adventure in Additional Samuel of Benaiah, who became King David’s babysitter and the baton of Israel’s army” and “challenges you to chase God’s leading, act angrily on your adventurous goals, and bravely plan for what comes afterwards accomplishment.”

I beggarly – fuck me.


My aftermost playoff anamnesis of this aggregation was the Music Burghal Miracle (aptly alleged the Music Burghal Debacle by my academy acquaintance and fantasy alliance opponent). I was 11 years old at the time and, anon afterward the end of the game, cried beneath the Christmas Tree for 2 hours straight…this anamnesis encapsulates how I’ve acquainted about the Bills anytime since.


Our fan abject absolutely believes every year is the year. We exhausted the Patriots third cord QB aftermost year and the burghal of Buffalo about burst from our agitation braindead fan base. Sammy Watkins is by far our best receiver and abandoned has one foot. Our best arresting amateur is a fat dumbass who almost shows up to amateur and refuses to apprentice the playbook. If I apprehend one added actuality say Zay Jones is activity to accept a huge year, I’ll drive my car off the skyway assimilate Pegulaville.


The aftermost time the Bills fabricated the playoffs I was in college. I was active a clue accommodated and had my acquaintance band the bold while instructing all the added associates of the aggregation not to let me apperceive the final account aback I was activity to watch it later. That black a accumulation of us watched the bold and I was the abandoned one who didn’t apperceive the final score. The Bills denticulate to go up backward in the 4th quarter, but we all apperceive what happened abutting – Tennessee ran the after alpha aback for a TD on a ambiguous call. One of my accompany was jumping in advanced of me, pointing and accomplishing the Nelson Muntz “ha-ha” while I sat there in shock with my jaw blind accessible clumsy to accept what I aloof witnessed. I larboard afterwards adage a word. That was 17 years ago.


Being a 31 year old Bills fan is affectionate of like actuality a adolescent star. You’re too adolescent to butt how fun and agitative it is while you’re on top of the world, afresh abutting affair you apperceive you’re in bastille for cutting strangers in a bar on Christmas.

I travelled to London aloof to watch EJ Manuel lose all ascendancy of basal motor abilities and metaphorically bandy up all over his own dick adjoin the Jacksonville Jaguars. I capital to acquisition their auberge and bulb prostitutes fabricated out of cocaine in his allowance so he wouldn’t be accustomed to appear aback to America.


2014: Donald Trump places a comically low bid for the team. Anybody action and mocks him, and the fan abject prays that the Pegulas get the team. They do. But if Trump had fabricated a appropriate bid and bought the team, I agnosticism he would’ve run for president. I additionally argue that annihilation would be altered for the Bills. Trump 100% would accept assassin Rex and afresh accursed him. This alignment would still be a abhorrent debris heap, but by demography the Trump ammo we could accept absolved the country the aforementioned fate. Now Trump is axis the US into the Buffalo Bills of countries: a angrily mismanaged shithole abounding of rock-dumb racist drunks agreeable “We Need To Go Aback To The Acceptable Old Days” while fingering the abutting unwiped asshole and airsickness on the ancestors in advanced of them. Fuck Trump and fuck this brainless team.


This year Tom Brady got his 13th win in Buffalo, which is added than all but a scattering of Bills quarterbacks have. As I was cat-and-mouse to get in, the babe in band in advanced of me anesthetized out bashed on her friend’s shoulder. Like 100 percent, not alive up anon asleep. She allegedly had a bigger game-day acquaintance than me. On top of Trump’s admired quarterback absurdity the Bills, I got to sit abutting to a affable ol’ bigot who yelled “draft a white quarterback” about 200 times. No one abroad in the area seemed phased. Now bodies are aflame about acquainted brace of biscuit pants, Sean McDermott, because he threw abroad the locker allowance basin table or whatever. Bills admirers deserve whatever happens to this team.


The comments sections for every one of these accessories (except for maybe the Browns’) are a abhorrent affectation of football privilege. “Our drillmaster is an idiot!” “We consistently lose the bold adapted at the end!” “Our quarterback is inconsistent!” If you’ve apparent your aggregation comedy a playoff bold on a aerial analogue television, attentive shut the fuck up.


Despite the history, the fanbase is the best arresting agglomeration of snowflakes you’ll anytime see. Case in point- bounded sportscaster responds to Stephon Gilmore absolutely advertence that he’ll now be in added prime time amateur with this.

The accessory is complete trash. Aback the aegis gives up 30 credibility a game, it’ll be Tyrod’s fault, I’m sure.


Now our best arresting amateur is a fucking Patriot. Fuck this team.


For anybody else, football analysis ends in December, maybe alike January. For us it’s an October annulment from reality, and 10 months of offseason.

 Submissions for the Deadspin NFL previews are now closed. Abutting up: New Orleans Saints.

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